When I am delivering training, I use an analogy that explains how we can help support someone who is in crisis or who is overwhelmed by their anxiety.

Imagine that you are walking past a body of water, like a canal, and you realise that there is someone in that water, and that they are not swimming, but drowning.

They call out for help, and you reach out your hand to try and pull them out.  You manage to get a grip with this person, but then they slip from your grasp.  As they flounder in the water, they start shouting at you, “Get me out!  Just fucking get me out!!”

In this moment, you would not consider that they were shouting, or swearing at you.  You would understand that this person was just terrified, not consciously swearing and shouting, just desperate.

You would not walk away, offended that they had sworn, you would just increase your efforts to help them out.

When we are supporting neurodivergent individuals we must remember that when they are in crisis they are drowning in their anxiety.

We have to ignore the secondary behaviours such as swearing and swearing, understanding that this is coming from a place of fear and anxiety, and focus our attention on support, validation, care and trust.

When I work with young people, they often tell me that the one thing that they need when they are in crisis is space, yet often they do not get this.  As they spiral into overwhelm the people supporting them use too much language, offer too many choices, give too many directions, and crowd their personal space.  They may see the anxiety as “poor behaviour” and start to talk about consequences, or worse use ultimatums. 

An individual who is in crisis is not able to say, “Excuse me, I feel really anxious, would you mind terribly giving me a bit of space until I feel calmer?”  So, they may communicate their need for space by becoming mute, running away, hiding, or lashing out verbally or physically.

I remember once there was an incident at the school where I was a Head Teacher.  After the incident I had a de-brief with the member of staff who had been involved.  It transpired that this young person was outside a classroom, and when asked by the member of staff why he wasn’t in class, he told her to “Fuck off!”  The staff member immediately started to tell the child off, telling him not to speak to her like that, and of course the situation spiralled.  I told this member of staff to consider the fact that the child was outside the lesson because they were trying to regulate, and that the next time a child in this situation told her to “fuck off” she should do exactly that.

On the few occasions that I was told where to go by a student or hurt by them they would often come and find me afterwards to apologise and even explain, but they needed time to process the situation before they were ready to do that.  It was also essential that I considered my own roles in any incidents and thought about if there was anything that I could have done differently too.

Another analogy that I use in my training is that of a boiled kettle.  When you put your kettle on to boil for that first hot drink of the morning, it probably only takes about a minute or two to reach boiling point, but it will take considerably longer, up to an hour perhaps, for the kettle to go back to room temperature again.  This is like someone who has been in crisis, often it appears that they have reached, “boiling point” very quickly, but are not given enough time to “cool down” afterwards.

Now think about what happens if you press the “On” button on when your kettle is still warm; it will reach boiling point far more quickly the second time.  This again is similar to a person who has been in crisis if they are triggered again.    

After someone has been in crisis we should not blame, shame or punish.  We offer comfort, space if requested, reassurance, validation and empathy.  We don’t force an apology, an explanation or reason. 

We remind the individual that we love them and care about them, and that we are there for them, however rough or smooth the water may be.