Two weeks ago my book, “The Educator’s Experience of Pathological Demand Avoidance” was published. The book is filled with beautiful illustrations by the brilliant Eliza Fricker, AKA Missing the Mark. I have been asked a few times since the release if I have a favourite illustration, and although it is a hard choice to make, since I love them all, I keep coming back to this one from the chapter on “Making Connections.”

An anxious child cannot learn, and the antidote to anxiety is trust, this is why, for learners with PDA, trusting connections are everything.

Connections have to be genuine, authentic, equal and reciprocal.

Trying to force a child with PDA to make a connection or comply with demands is like trying to force the same poles of two magnets to touch – it’s never going to happen!! A PDAer will repel demands, and repel from some people like a magnet repels from another magnet that is the “wrong” way round.

But, if you put 2 magnets close enough to each other the “right way” round they will pull towards each other and naturally connect.

You have to do exactly the same around children with PDA. You have to change your direction, you have to change your approach, you stop trying to force anything to happen. You have to take your time, let the child “be” and share a genuine interest in their interests.

You build up trust, reduce anxiety and THEN you build a natural connection.

When learning is facilitated rather that directed, in a way that is autonomous and interest lead the child will be drawn to it, excited by it and engaged. When you learn with someone, and work on tasks together, learning and goals are shared and therefore the demands of learning are reduced too.

When you get it right with these incredible children, show them respect and build equal, trusting and reciprocal relationships then rather then being repelled they will be drawn to you and the learning experiences you can share together.

Eventually, once that connection and that trust is made you join together as equals. You stick together, you share the demands and you can become the most incredible force learning about and achieving amazing things together……

“The Educator’s Experience of Pathological Demand Avoidance” illustrated by Eliza Fricker and published by Jessica Kingsley Publishing is available now on the JKP website, Amazon and all good book shops.